Lost and Found

I remember when I first thought of the idea of driving, I had gotten nervous
Not because I was afraid to get behind the wheel, rev the engine and go for a ride
Not because of the numerous reports of accidents about cars
But because I was afraid I would get lost
Scratch that,  I was absolutely sure I would get lost
See here’s the thing to know about me and directions, we’re like frenemies with benefits
Some days we’re cordial, most days you can expect that the tension from despising the other causes one to fuck the other up
Except you know, without the benefits

Most days I am lost
Most days I wake up and I don’t even know where my flip-flops are, much less which direction I should be taking steps in
Most days I find myself looking for my favorite shirt, wanting to wear it because it makes me happy, but I can’t find it
And then I look around to see everyone else seems to have found theirs
Most days I find myself looking for the wonderful feeling of a stomach filled with food, and all I end up feeling is one full of dread
Most days it seems, I am lost

And I hate getting lost, I absolutely hate it
I like to have certainty, some assurance
A glimpse of the road 500 meters ahead so that I can see clearly
And add in a GPS just to be extremely sure that I’m doing things right
Because I hate getting lost
I’m afraid of getting lost because sometimes it feels like everyone knows the roads but me
And all I can wonder is where was I when they handed out the maps and why didn’t I get one?
I’m afraid of getting lost because what if there’s no one that will look for me when I disappear?
What if I missed the signs and it’s too late and the only way to go is over the cliff or into the wall?
What if I never find the light at the end of the tunnel?

But then I realize, it’s when we are lost that we start looking for the things that mean most to us
It’s when we are lost that we start to take notice of the signs, of the roads, of the maps
It’s always been there, only when it got lost that we started to look for it
Only when there’s nothing else to do but to look do we start finding things
Only when we are lost, that we start thinking “maybe I should have asked for directions”
Maybe there is no such thing as getting lost, just forgetting to look around for the things that have always been there
I would like that
Because most days I feel lost
And I hate it, I hate feeling lost
But then at least I actually start looking

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